


Breathe Your Light

by towardstheair



Series: Bruised Series [1]
Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-06
Updated: 2013-09-06
Packaged: 2017-12-25 20:22:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/957243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/towardstheair/pseuds/towardstheair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for prompt: This is not very specific but I've been jonesing for hurt!comfort fic lately. Don't care who is taking care of who, but NC-17 please.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathe Your Light

Breathe Your Light

 

From where Kris is standing, it would be easy to believe that no one is awake in the house in front of him. But he knows Adam is in there. And he knows Adam is awake. As he steps closer, he can see a flickering light, no doubt coming from the TV. If this were any normal circumstance, he'd guess that Adam is watching some kind of 80s coming of age movie like the ones he used to watch obsessively during tour.

 

But there's nothing remotely normal about this situation and Kris can't help feeling like a shit friend right now. He hadn't heard the news from Adam, so maybe he just assumed Kris didn't know, not that it made it okay. He still knew what had happened and he still waited before coming here. He found out through Allison three days ago. Three days ago. It isn't good enough that he is only showing up now. It isn't good enough that he didn't rush to Adam's side the moment he found out.

 

He has a vague picture in his mind of what he expects to find when he unlocks the front door. All Allison had said was that Adam wasn't coping. Of course he wasn't coping. How can anyone cope with anything like this?

 

Hearing that someone close to you, someone too young to be taken, is gone, is definitely not something you coped with. Jeremy Samuels. Kris had heard the name a hundred times in Adam's stories of a life before American Idol, a life he hadn’t been a part of. He wants to be able to feel the loss with Adam, to relate, to take some of the pain away so he could feel it instead of Adam.

 

He didn't know Jeremy Samuels. But he knows Adam. He knows Adam isn’t the kind of person who could jump back from something like this with a “life goes on attitude”. Despite appearances, Adam's ability to adjust to change is lacking, especially when something like this happens. He is happy with a constant reassurance of what he has, what he could hold onto with his hands and with the presence of those he loves around him. He needs it. A part of that would be missing now, leaving a deep, dark space.

 

Kris opens the door quietly, turning to shut it behind him. The house needs airing; the smell is stale and stagnant. The staircase looms in front of him. Even despite the time of night he knows that Adam isn't upstairs because he can hear the faint sound of voices from the TV, the light shining unsteadily into the darkness of the hall. Kris looks at the small silver key in his hand before putting it into his back pocket. He remembers when Adam had given it to him, he had been spending all his time over at Adam's recently. Adam being Adam never asked, he waited and was still waiting for Kris to tell him why. The truth was he hadn't told anyone that his marriage was struggling. Adam's was the only place he had felt safe, almost protected somehow. Mostly, he lay around on the sofa eating Adam's food, drinking warm beer and feeling sorry for himself. Adam had thrown the key in front of him one morning after he crashed the night. Kris had held the key in his hand and looked at it like it was some kind of mystery, and Adam laughed, of course he laughed, and gave him a look that said “Well, if you're going to be over here all the time.” Then they ate breakfast, and that was that.

 

He walks slowly, afraid of exactly what he is going to find. There is a reason he hadn’t talked to Adam in three days, why he hadn't rushed over the moment he heard. It's because Kris doesn’t know how to deal with this. He doesn’t know what to say or how to be there for Adam. There is nothing he can say, and is his presence really going to be enough to provide comfort? Kris doesn’t think so.

 

But this isn’t about him. This is about Adam, and if the situation were reversed, the one person he would want to be there more than anything would be Adam. That thought alone was enough for him to leave his apartment and get to Adam as quickly as possible. It raises so many questions for Kris. All of them he thought about on the short drive over, but they aren’t for now. They aren’t for this moment.

 

When he reaches the doorway Kris leans against the frame. The TV isn’t playing any of Adam's DVDs, instead the news is on turned down low. The only thing separating them is Adam's large white couch. There is nothing he can do to do prepare himself, and he can't plan out what he wants to say.

 

Kris' hands grab the back of the couch tightly. He leans forward and he can see Adam's body laid out under a thin blanket. One of his hands lies resting near his face and the other hidden underneath the blanket somewhere. His eyes are shut but flickering as if he’s dreaming. He looks restless, as if at any moment he could be woken up by the smallest of things.

 

Kris tries to be as quiet as possible as he moves around the couch. The wooden table in front of it is filled with mugs and empty bottles, a mixture of different Spirits. A sharp pain hits Kris. He can imagine Adam sitting here for the last few days drinking his way through all of them. He can see now that Allison really wasn't over-reacting when she said Adam refused to see anyone.

 

Kris looks at the mess on the table. His first thought is to clear everything away but he catches a glimpse of Adam's sleeping face and it stops him. He leans down so his own face is close to Adam's. His dark hair has fallen across his forehead and Kris wants to brush it away but he’s afraid that any small touch will wake Adam up.

 

Instead, Kris just looks down at Adam, his mouth parted slightly, and his chest rises and falls. Looking at Adam like this, Kris wouldn't know there was anything wrong because he looks perfectly calm. But he knows that as soon as those eyes open it’s going to be an entirely different story.

 

When they do open, there's nothing that can prepare him for what he sees. He has seen Adam in so many different ways, different moods, and different personas. But he doesn't even know what to name this. He has never seen Adam so broken. There's a slight hint of disbelief as Adam registers that Kris is actually there, and his already red and puffy eyes are filling with tears.

 

Kris's reaction is so natural, he can't help it and his hands are moving before he can even think to stop them. He is pressing his palm onto the side of Adam's face, brushing a stray tear away with his thumb. Adam flinches under the touch, which is a reaction he never thought he would get from Adam. Adam isn't the kind of person to shy away from that type of affection. His first natural instinct is to reach out and touch; it’s always been a part of who Adam is, ever since they met.

 

Adam licks his dry lips as he whispers Kris’ name. Their eyes meet and Kris wants to say something. He wants to apologise for how shit this is, he wants to say sorry he hadn't been there for him sooner, but he knows that neither of those things are going to make any difference and they aren't going to help. Kris hasn't moved his hand away, and he doesn't want to any time soon, but Adam is moving his head underneath his hand forcing Kris to move it. Adam rolls over to stare up at the ceiling, runs his fingers through his hair, and pulls at the knots after clearly not doing anything with it for the last few days.

 

Kris switches on the lamp that is on the table beside the couch and Adam groans a little at the brightness, rubbing his eyes. When Kris looks back at Adam, the bags under his eyes show that Adam hasn't slept enough. Kris has found him asleep in one of the short moments Adam had been able to drift off, and even then, Kris knows that it isn’t peaceful, not satisfying enough to be able to function.

 

Adam isn't looking at him and his hands are still in his hair, clenching now as if they want to pull it all out. “Kris... what are you doing here?”

 

He doesn't even sound like Adam. His voice is always so full of life and excitement but there is just nothing there. Kris is beginning to wonder exactly what he is doing there. The realisation that there really is nothing he can do other than sit here and let Adam know that he is. It doesn't seem like enough.

 

“Allison called and told me what happened.” Kris pauses, everything that he thinks to say next sounds stupid. “I'm sor...”

 

“God. Please don't say you’re sorry, Kris. All I've had for the last three days is “I'm sorry”.” Kris knows Adam was going to be difficult, that he'd try his best to push him away and maybe that's what Kris needs to convince him to stay. He knows Adam can be stubborn about a lot of things, especially when it comes to showing that he needs someone. So Kris isn't going anywhere. He'll let Adam use him as his own personal punching bag if that's what he needs.

 

There's nothing Kris can respond to that, and Adam's tone had closed the small conversation. So, he clears the mugs off the table and takes them into the kitchen, which is even more of a mess than the living room. Dishes have been left unwashed for days, so he figures he may as well make himself useful. He takes his time, washing all the dishes and mugs and leaving them to dry on the sink. The coffee maker still holds coffee from days ago and Kris cleans it out and makes some fresh. Maybe coffee isn't the best thing for Adam, who doesn't need more things preventing him from sleep, but Kris thinks that he is going to need it.

 

When Kris goes back into the living room, holding a garbage bag to throw all the bottles out, Adam is sitting up, the blanket discarded on the floor and his head is resting in his hands. Adam doesn't look up when Kris starts clearing the bottles away, so Kris stops checking. He fills up one bag and takes it back into the kitchen. He is unsure what to do now, he has busied himself with everything he can do so there's no way he can go back in there and continue to avoid talking to Adam.

 

Kris doesn’t need to worry about starting the conversation because Adam starts for him. “Seriously Kris, why are you here?” Adam is more awake now, he has more determination and its clear Adam is going to use it all to get Kris to leave. Kris takes in Adam's clothes for the first time, a pair of tattered jeans and a black t-shirt that's too big for him.

 

“I told you... Allison called and told me...”

 

“Told you what? That my friend got killed? That some fucking idiot was driving too fast and killed my friend?”

 

“Adam...” Kris knows this is the first time Adam has let any of this out. Maybe it's because Kris is the only one who has stayed this long, long enough for Adam to lash out.

 

Adam stands up from the couch, moving away from where Kris is standing. “No. Don't fucking Adam me. You think coming here and clearing up around me is going to make any of this okay?”

 

“No. I don't think anything I do is going to make this better for you.”

 

The anger across Adam's face fades and when he speaks again there is nothing but a desperate pleading to his voice. “Then why did you come here?”

 

Kris steps closer to where Adam is. “Because you're my friend. And if things were reversed, I know you'd do exactly the same thing. So, do what you need to do Adam. Yell, scream, you can even hit me if you need to. But I'm not going anywhere.”

 

Adam's shoulders slump and he is clearly resigned. He knows Kris well enough to know he isn't bluffing. He has seen enough of Kris's own determination to know that.

 

When Adam speaks again, any of the harsh tones that were there before have gone. “Are you making coffee?”

 

“You really think you need coffee?” Kris says the words before he really thinks about them and Adam's face looks angry again, like he’s about to pick something up and throw it at Kris. So he backtracks quickly. “I'll go make us some.”

 

He takes his time pouring out the coffee, making Adam's just how he likes it; black, two sugars. He figures Adam might want a few moments alone, but mainly he does it to give himself some time to process this new side of Adam he has never seen before. It's not that he hasn't seen Adam angry, but this isn't the same. There are so many other things fuelling the anger that Kris knows Adam needs to talk about. Kris feels like Adam is somehow blaming himself for this. This, to Kris seems insane, because from what Allison had told him, Adam hadn’t seen the guy in months. Why would Adam hold himself responsible?

 

He takes the coffee into the living room and Adam is sitting on the couch again, the TV is on mute and instead of the news it's some celebrity gossip show, full of scandal and lies.

 

The sound of the porcelain meeting the table seems so loud in the quiet room, there's no acknowledgement from Adam as he sits down next to him. He won't try and start the conversation; he'll just watch the soundless people on the TV screen and wait until Adam has something he wants to say. He isn't sure how long they sit in silence, but he knows its half a cup of coffee later before Adam speaks again.

 

“He was a beautiful photographer.” Kris doesn't respond in any way, he just sits back and lets Adam talk. “Like, crazy beautiful. He'd always joke that when I was rich and famous he'd be my own personal photographer, photo shoots, album covers... I should have remembered that before now.”

 

When Adam's voice fades, it's like he is somewhere else. Back in a different time talking to his friend, laughing and dreaming up plans for the future. He can see a small glimmer of a smile as Adam relives the moment, and then it’s like he remembers the reality so quickly and the smile is immediately gone.

 

“I used to go out every night and fucking take god knows what and I'd wake up every morning and I know without fail there would be a message from him, checking that I got home okay. He was a good guy... I love my friends but, we used to fuck up a lot but he didn't... and what... why would this happen to him? It's not fair...”

 

It isn’t fair. It is at times like this that Kris wishes he could believe that things like this happened for a reason, his faith alone should have confirmed that for him. But he can't feel that now, it doesn’t make sense to him when all he can see is how much Adam is suffering.

 

“He had this crappy apartment that he loved. He spent most of his adult life living there, and one entire wall of his living room is pretty much full of pictures. Family and friends, probably random strangers that we met... that's all he has left, just a bunch of photographs... I don't know what will happen to them all. Probably just get thrown out...”

 

Adam's words keep trailing off as he remembers other things, and Kris lets him speak when he needs to and keeps silent when he has nothing to say. It's better this way to just let Adam talk it out. Kris can't share the memories with him. All he can do is listen.

 

“I was an awful friend to him. I hadn't seen him in months, I can't even remember the last time we spoke. All my friends... I've just been so cut off from them. I've been too fucking wrapped up in my own shit...”

 

Kris hates to hear the guilty tone in Adam’s voice. “Adam, things have been insane for you these past few months... the last year even. Your friends understand that, and I'm sure that he did too...”

 

Adam shakes his head. “It doesn't matter if he understood, Kris. He knew how much I wanted this, every year he'd tell me to audition for Idol, that I was too good to be someone's understudy, so yeah he understood. But I don't think he thought it would mean me leaving him behind, just forgetting about him...”

 

“You haven't forgotten him though, have you? He’s still there, those memories of him that's what you have to keep. Don't do this to yourself. It was an accident and it’s tragic and awful...” Kris doesn’t know what else to say and Adam is moving away from the couch, away from Kris's words. Kris watches Adam's back as he moves towards the window, looking out, and he still seemed so far away. “Adam, have some faith...”

 

“Fuck you.” Kris has never heard Adam speak to him like that before or react so violently. Adam lifts a vase from the cabinet and throws it against the back wall. “Don't you fucking talk to me about faith. You think I should justify why something like this would happen because it was some part of a stupid fucking plan. He was 28 years old Kris, he was a beautiful person, he had everything to live for. So you tell me, you with your fucking faith why someone would take him?”

 

Adam takes a step closer towards Kris, an angry determination in his eyes. Kris stands up, he wants to reach out for Adam and pull him out of the anger that his words had sparked. Adam's right, he couldn't give him a reason, he couldn't understand this.

 

“Tell me!” Adam is practically screaming and Kris feels like his heart is breaking. “I want you to explain that to me... now.”

 

Adam keeps walking until he is completely invading Kris's personal space. He is close and towering over Kris. He should be afraid, Adam's breathing is heavy and his mouth curves into an angry scowl, eyes glaring down at Kris. But he refuses to look away; Adam is pushing him to, trying his best to intimidate Kris into backing down.

 

Kris just shakes his head. “I can't.”

 

Adam grabs hold of Kris's shirt, his hands curling into fists and pulling Kris closer, he looks even more furious now, like he is about to throw Kris to the ground and take out all his anger on him. Kris can't feel afraid though, he doesn’t react, he doesn’t allow his body to tense. He moves his hands from where they hang at his sides and lay them over Adam's, and uses his thumbs to softly stroke them. “Adam...”

 

Adam's hands slacken slightly under Kris's touch and the anger on his face disappears abruptly, a realisation hitting him like a punch in the gut. Kris knows Adam is seconds away from torturing himself over acting this way, and Kris is sure seeing him do that on top of his suffering would break him. Kris holds onto Adam's hands tighter. Adam is starting to look away, the shame evident on his face, but Kris lets go of one hand and moves it to Adam's face to hold it still so their eyes lock. “It's okay. It's okay.”

 

Adam doesn't try to look away again, and they remain that way for an indescribable amount of time. Kris watches closely the amount of times Adam's expression changes, from hurt to relief, gratitude to confusion. It's all hard for Kris, he wants to do more than what he is doing and he wants Adam to forget. Even just for a small amount of time, he wishes he could give Adam something that can replace this, something better and real.

 

Kris lets his hand fall back to Adam's and he turns him forward slightly, guiding him without words to sit back onto the sofa. As Adam moves, their eyes and hands never break and Kris finds himself standing in between Adam's legs, holding on tightly to Adam's hands, their fingers entwined.

 

Tears are filling up Adam's eyes again, and Kris can't fight the urge to kiss them away. He leans forward, his face inches away from Adam's. He can feel Adam's breath against his own lips and he licks them instinctively. Kris can't explain it, but something has taken over him completely, and he finds himself wanting to offer Adam the one thing he knows he needs. What Kris didn't realise is how much he needs it too. It’s only being this close, without inhibitions that he is realising the want that has been hiding underneath the comfort of their friendship.

 

He kisses just underneath both of Adam's eyes, the skin wet with tears. Adam blinks as he feels Kris's lips against his skin and his breath catches in shock. Kris pulls back, and there is hardly any emotion in Adam's eyes. Adam's doing nothing to push Kris away, there's no protest in his eyes, but there's no want either. There's just nothing.

 

Kris lets go of Adam's hands and they fall limply on the couch either side of his legs. Kris can't begin to explain his actions, they are coming from somewhere new inside of him, some part he is just realising now has been there all along. He lifts up Adam's arms and steps forward. His knees fall where Adam’s hands were resting and he shuffles closer to straddle Adam. When Kris lets go of Adam's hands, they just fall against the couch once again. Kris leaves them, too focused on Adam's face to acknowledge anything else.

 

His hands find Adam's face, fingers searching out, drying his skin from more fallen tears. Looking at Adam closer, Kris can see the prominent dark bags under Adam's eyes, the puffy redness around them both. He can't get used to it, he is used to seeing them shining bright under layers of eye shadow and eye liner. As he leans closer, he can see a pleading look coming from Adam, but he can't figure out what it is that Adam wants. He doesn’t know if it’s really anything at all or maybe if it’s just this he wants, Kris this close, warm and solid against him.

 

When Kris leans in closer and presses his lips against Adam's he doesn't listen to the voice inside his head questioning his actions. He focuses on the feel of Adam’s soft and unresponsive lips against his. He presses closed mouthed kisses on both corners of Adam’s lips, his bottom lip and then against the top. Adam stays still, never moving and never reacting but Kris won't stop, he is fairly sure he couldn't if he wanted to. He licks his way along Adam's bottom lip and opens his mouth softly with his tongue, asking for Adam to respond, to give him some sign that this is okay, that he needs this. Because if this is what Adam wants, if he lets Kris know in any small way this is what he needs, then Kris will take this as far as Adam wants.

 

Adam opens his mouth and suddenly he is kissing back. It's slow and wet, and when Kris takes Adam's bottom lip between his teeth he feels Adam begin to harden beneath him. Instinctively, he wriggles against Adam's lap and the noise that leaves Adam between kisses is enough for Kris to do it again and again.

 

After a while it's not enough for Kris, and he’s grinding down against Adam. His fingers are buried in Adam’s hair and his tongue is pushing into Adam's mouth and everything suddenly feels more intense and immediate. He knows where this is leading to and Adam may be kissing him back and he may be fully hard underneath Kris now, but he still hasn't moved his hands to touch Kris. It feels like he is going through the motions giving this to Kris because it’s what Kris wants, and not what Adam wants.

 

Kris pulls back for a moment and looks down at Adam, his lips swollen and wet. He wants to ask Adam if this is what he wants, but he doesn't even think he could answer him right now. Kris knows he is leading this. He’s the one in control of what happens, because Adam right now believes he has nothing to lose either way. There is nothing but numbness behind his eyes and Kris wants to see something, anything. He pushes down against Adam, watching as his eyes flutter close and his fingers grip onto the material of the couch. When Adam opens his eyes to look at Kris, there is something there, it’s brief and fleeting but it’s still there.

 

“We're going to need...” Kris whispers against Adam's lips as they kiss again. He knows he is going to have to pull himself away and find where Adam keeps his condoms and lube, because Kris knows it’s going to get that far whether or not either of them intend it to happen. When he leans back and pushes himself away from Adam, he can already feel the loss of warmth from being so close. He gets up without really looking back at Adam and he feels for sure that if he does he won't be going anywhere other than back on top of Adam.

 

He rushes up the stairs and finds Adam's bedroom quickly in the dark. He has been in the room a countless number of times before, sitting on the bed while Adam got ready for nights out, or laying on the floor laughing drunkenly as Adam strutted around the room, singing and dancing. He finds what he is looking for in the drawers beside Adam's bed and he makes his way back downstairs just as quickly.

\--

Kris finds Adam hunched over with his hands on his face. He steps forward and places the packet and bottle down on the table. Kris reaches out and touches Adam's shoulder but he flinches away. “Don't Kris... what are you doing? What am I doing?”

“I'm doing this because I love you, and you need this, please let me give you this...”

Adam looks up and shakes his head. “Give me what? I used to know what I wanted, what I felt... I can't feel anything...”

“Let me do this. Let me help you feel something.” Kris moves to stand in front of Adam. There's a protest ready to fall from Adam's lips, but Kris steps back and lifts his shirt over his head. He throws it to the floor and kicks off his sneakers and unfastens his belt at the same time. He pushes his jeans and boxers down, steps out of them and kicks them aside.

 

Adam's eyes are wide and they move across his body, until finally he meets Kris's eyes. There's still so much uncertainty there and Kris can't help but feel worried that he is taking advantage of the situation. He knows what he wants, it’s clearer to him now than it has ever been. But he needs to know if it's what Adam wants too.

 

“You want this.” It's just a statement, but he knows Adam will react, that he'll give Kris his answer whether this carries on or not. Adam nods slowly, his fingers gripping onto the couch still, itching to grab hold of Kris. He wishes Adam would. Kris lifts the hem of Adam's t-shirt and Adam lifts his arms up to allow Kris to pull it off.

 

Adam's skin looks pale white in the darkness, but Kris can make out the scattering of freckles across Adam's shoulders and chest. He leans forward to kiss and trace his tongue across them, and he feels Adam shudder beneath him. Kris stops just above Adam's shoulder and lifts his head to whisper into Adam's ear, “Stand up.”

 

He steps back to let Adam get up and then sinks to his knees. He doesn't even feel nervous, which is crazy because he’s never been in this situation before but he never let himself think about this moment. Too afraid of the ramifications if he did. Adam is staring down at him, still making no move to touch Kris, just watching and waiting, letting Kris take control.

 

There's a large rip in Adam's tattered jeans, just above his knee, exposing the bottom of Adam's inner thigh. Kris leans forward and tilts his head down, kissing as much as the exposed skin as he can. He feels Adam shiver beneath his lips, his fingers gripping onto the denim of his jeans.

 

Kris licks a trail against the skin before pulling away and leaning back to look up at Adam. His eyes are closed and his face looks tense, like he's fighting to stay in this moment, to not let his mind wander elsewhere. Kris keeps watching Adam's face as he lifts his hands up to press against the skin just above his jeans. He rubs at the skin, gradually applying more pressure. Adam is moaning in response and he can see the thick outline of his cock through the denim, already hard.

 

Kris lowers his hands, and unbuttons Adam's jeans pulling them down to the ground and lifting Adam's legs out one by one. He kisses the same patch of skin that he had before and then carries on working his way up higher and higher. He doesn't stop when he reaches Adam's cock. He kisses the head, then licks all the way along, all the time Adam shuddering under the sensation. Adam's finger nails dig into the skin at his thighs and Kris doesn't understand why Adam won't just touch him.

 

Kris stands up, trailing his hands up Adam's skin as he does, touching anything that is within reach. He presses his palm against Adam's chest and wraps the other around his cock, stroking slowly, watching Adam's face as he bites his bottom lip, and closes his eyes tighter.

 

“Adam, look at me.”

 

Adam's eyes flutter open and Kris can't help but lean forward to place a soft kiss against his lips. “I want you to touch me. Why won't you?”

 

“I can't. You'll be gone tomorrow... you won't want this...”

 

“Stop. Stop thinking. Just take what I'm offering you. I'm here and I want this.” Kris keeps stroking Adam with excruciatingly slowness and he thinks Adam is about to cave. His hands leave the grip they have on the skin on his thighs but instead he grips hold of his hair and lets out a loud groan, encouraging Kris to speed up.

 

Kris runs his thumb over the tip of Adam's cock and feels satisfied when Adam closes his eyes again and whimpers in reaction to the touch. Kris looks down at his hand working on Adam and he bites down on his bottom lip. His own cock is hard and forgotten between them and he has never wanted anything more than the feel of Adam's hands on him, working him till he falls over the edge. He lets go of Adam and pushes him back a little, instructing him to once again sit down.

 

Adam's eyes flicker open and he is watching Kris carefully. Kris only turns quickly to pick up the lube and condoms but when he turns back to look at Adam, the expression on his face is panicked again, unsure. Kris breathes in deeply and steps closer to Adam. Kris wants to be able to run this show, to be able to give Adam everything they both know he needs but Kris has no idea what he is doing. All he knows is how much he wants this.

 

Adam's breath hitches, and when Kris looks back at him his eyes are on Kris's cock and he is licking his lips. It’s too much for Kris and he may have no idea what he is doing here but he isn't going to hesitate now. He throws the foil packet onto the couch beside Adam and resumes his position from earlier, straddling Adam. He grinds down against Adam and they both groan in unison. “Touch me, Adam. I want you to.” He doesn’t mean for his voice to sound so pleading. He's been hoping there would be an edge of forcefulness to the tone, but the feel of Adam's cock grinding against him is making any coherent thoughts near impossible.

 

Adam is too still underneath him, too tense, even as Kris traces his fingers up Adam's arms and across his shoulders. He refuses to lose control, to give into what Kris is offering him. Kris presses his lips against Adam's neck, flicking his tongue across the skin. There are moments when Adam's body reacts and for brief moments he relaxes, always when Kris does something that clearly Adam likes. He likes it when Kris presses him palm against his torso, rubbing his hand in a small circle. If it's even possible Adam seems to harden even more beneath him. Or when he kisses, licks and bites along Adam's jaw. He swears he feels Adam's hands brushing his arms, and it's killing Kris that Adam won't just do it, just grab hold of him and push him down and take him.

 

“Kris...”

 

Kris is still holding onto the lube, and he lifts up one of Adam's hands and opens the bottle carefully. Adam watches their hands and Kris wants to stay focused in the moment but Adam's face distracts him. His eyes are dark and intense as he watches Kris’ fingers move across Adam's palm. Something clearly snaps inside Adam as the tube falls from Kris's grasp and Adam clutches onto Kris as if his life depends on it.

 

His hands are on Kris’ back, fingers digging into his skin, marking him. So far Kris has been in control of everything but he is more than happy to relent to Adam. Every time he grinds down he can feel Adam rising up to meet him, his hard cock sliding against his skin. He feels like everywhere Adam touches is on fire.

 

Their lips meet again and it’s hard and fast, like every press of their lips isn't enough, every taste of each won't satisfy the want they have for one another. When Kris pulls away for air, Adam is breathing heavily and frantically underneath him. He finds the discarded lube and coats his fingers while Kris watches, mesmerized by Adam's movements, one hand slowly working over two fingers. He bites on his bottom lip and watches his hands along with Kris’, more focused than Kris has ever seen him.

 

Everything else happens so fast that it’s a blur. Adam urges him to lift up onto his knees and his cock is very close to Adam's mouth. When he feels Adam's tongue lick at the liquid on the tip of his cock Kris's hands grip tight onto Adam's shoulders, everything feels like too much and not enough at all. Adam's fingers press inside him at an agonisingly slow pace and Kris wants to push down against Adam's fingers.

 

It's all too fast, Kris knows that much, Adam is pushing into him harder, two fingers and then pressing in a third, and it hurts, it really fucking hurts but it's also unbelievably thrilling to know that he is the one bringing out these reactions from Adam. How he groans when Kris moves against his fingers, how Kris can't help but lean his face forward slightly and bite at the skin on Adam's shoulder, urging Adam to move the fingers buried deep inside him quicker. Kris shuts his eyes tight and bites down on his bottom lip as Adam moves inside him harder each time, it's a strange, alien feeling, the line between pain and pleasure blurring until all he can really be aware of is Adam and nothing else.

 

The loss he feels when Adam pulls away is excruciating. Kris can't help when his body slumps forward against Adam, his lips finding Adam's neck. He closes his eyes and focuses on the feel of Adam's warm hands running up and down his back and reaches out blindly for the foil packet he placed on the couch earlier. He freezes against Adam's body, staring down at the small packet in his hand, he suddenly feels terrified. He looks briefly at Adam who is looking up at him with dark, desperate eyes and it's not Adam, he is positive he wants Adam he feels stupid that it has taken him this long to realise it. He is terrified because he has no idea what he is doing or what will happen tomorrow or what any of it means. Mostly he is scared because he knows everything is about to change, and he has no idea if it's for better or worse.

 

Kris is trying to focus on opening the packet, but it’s difficult with one hand and Adam insisting on kissing him until he can barely breathe. Kris pulls back and tries to shuffle out of Adam's lap, but where before it was easy to get free, now Adam refuses to let him move, his hands gripping on so tightly Kris knows there are going to be marks. He presses one hand to Adam's chest and kisses his lips softly, then pulls back again. His fingers are trembling as he opens the packet. It’s easier with both hands sort of, but it’s nearly impossible to focus with Adam's hands running up his thighs.

 

He takes Adam's cock in his hand and strokes from the base to the tip, all the time watching Adam's face change with each trail of Kris's fingers. Kris rolls the condom down onto Adam and he is writhing underneath Kris's touch. Kris wants to enjoy this, he wants to remember every single thing about this moment because he can't guarantee what this is going to mean in the morning to Adam, if anything at all. He is going to lock away everything he can about Adam and keep it. He reaches for the lube Adam cast aside, pours a generous amount into his palm and reaches out to thoroughly coat Adam's cock.

 

Adam pulls Kris's hand away and instantly his fingers are gripping onto Kris's waist, pulling him closer against Adam. Adam kisses him furiously, pushing his tongue deep into Kris's mouth. His fingers are against Kris's hole again pressing in and despite how eager Adam is now it’s still not fast enough for Kris. He wants everything at once and yet he never wants it to be over.

 

Kris can feel the tip of Adam's cock pressing against him as his fingers slip away. Adam slowly works his way into Kris and pushes him down by pressing a hand against his shoulder. There's no protest from Kris and he pushes against the pain he can feel as Adam stretches him completely. The pain he feels slowly turns into a dull ache, a beautiful feeling bordering on pleasure and pain. He knows it’s only moments before he falls completely and everything will feel perfect and he will be full.

 

Adam is buried deep inside him, and there is a small brief moment before either of them dares to move, where Kris looks down at Adam and the look on his face is breaking Kris's heart. There's so much pain there, so much that Kris suddenly worries this will make things worse and not better. That there is the reason Adam was fighting so hard against it, why he refused to touch Kris. But it's like Kris has awoken something inside them both now, and he is sure that despite the circumstances of what they are about to do, neither of them could stop.

 

Then Adam writhes underneath him and Kris lifts his body up slowly, feeling Adam's cock sliding against his skin, pushing back in as Kris sinks down. He wants to ride against Adam, to feel the push and pull deep inside him. He grips onto Adam's shoulder and speeds up his movements, sinking deep down onto Adam's cock hard and fast. Adam's hands are everywhere on Kris that he can reach, sliding down his back and gripping at his ass, moving around to trace his fingertips on his thighs. His thumb circles the tip of Kris's cock before taking it in his hand and pulling softly, relentlessly tugging at Kris's hard flesh.

 

Kris tries to speak as Adam delivers sharp, deep thrusts inside of him. He knows Adam wants to take control, that being underneath Kris like this isn't enough. His hands move again to grip onto Kris's wrists and he knows Adam is desperate to hold Kris down and push into him hard and fast, and break both of them apart. Kris is in no way going to object and he leans in to kiss Adam, giving him the permission he needs.

 

Everything moves in fast forward and Adam is lifting Kris off him, and turning Kris body to lie back against the sofa. Kris knows he must look obscene, especially when Adam is lifting his legs apart and pushing them back so he is spread out and ready for Adam to push into him but the way Adam is looking down at him with a fierce determination and want, he doesn't even care. He has never felt more turned on or alive in his life.

 

Adam pushes into him hard and fast, holding Kris's legs up near his head and pushing in with a force that leaves Kris growling and urging Adam on. He knows neither of them is going to last much longer. Adam is wild above him, it’s almost bordering on angry, as if everything that's been building up over the last few days is leaving him.

 

Kris's cock is twitching and forgotten against his stomach and he is begging Adam to touch him again. He can't even make out the words he says. He’s incoherent and Adam is groaning with each push inside Kris's body, it’s the only sound he can make out clearly. Adam has barely got hold of Kris's cock, there is just one tug and Kris is coming over his stomach and in Adam's hand, it's perfect and blissful and it's easy to ignore the pain of his head hitting the arm rest of the couch as Adam thrusts into him, the feel of Adam's fingers gripping on too tightly at his thighs, but he doesn't care about anything else but the feel of Adam and the sensation running through his body.

 

Adam follows close behind him, his grunts turning into broken sobs as his own orgasm hits. Kris is in a daze, coming down from his own but Adam's body slumps down onto his, his deflating cock still buried inside Kris. Their bodies are slick with sweat but all Kris can focus on is Adam's body shaking on top of him and the sobs leaving Adam's throat pull Kris from his dream like state.

 

“Adam... it's okay... it’s okay...”

 

The words don't calm Adam though, if anything the sobs grow louder, the shaking more visible, and all Kris can do is hold on to Adam. He wraps his arms around Adam running one hand up into his hair, the other at the base of his back. Kris soothes hushing noises into his ear and he has no idea how much time passes before Adam falls silent.

 

Adam moves on top of him, finally slipping out of Kris. His hands move down to remove the condom and discard it in the trash can underneath the table. Adam is still half on top of him, still so fucking close and yet Adam won't look at him, not really, he refuses to meet Kris's eyes no matter how hard Kris tries too. When Adam finally does look his way, it’s to look down at Kris's body and the disgust that registers across Adam's face makes no sense to Kris at all.

 

“Adam... what...”

 

“Oh god, Kris. I am so sorry.”

 

Kris understands immediately that Adam is blaming himself for this when there is nothing to be blamed for. What part of Kris begging for Adam made him get the impression that Kris didn't want this?

 

“Don't you dare be sorry. Look at me...” Kris reaches out to move Adam's face so their eyes meet. “Do I look sorry? I wanted you, and you needed me. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.”

 

Silent tears fall down Adam's face and Kris traces them away with his thumb. Kris lays back down, his arms open and welcoming Adam. He falls into them with no protest and rests his head against Kris's chest. Kris can feel the dampness against his skin as Adam's tears fall. He just holds onto Adam tighter, curling their bodies around one another until it feels like they are practically one person.

 

There are a hundred questions hovering over the silence, Kris knows the tension they both feel now, even as they lay in each other's arms won't be relived until they face what happened, but it really isn't for now. Kris knows they have time, and they'll figure it out together. For now he'll just be what Adam needs, he knows the rest will come.


End file.
